Well, it really began just after Carol died, terrible depression. It was everything you don’t want to talk about. It’s worse than cancer. It’s embarrassing. It’s guilty. It’s shameful. It’s hopeless. It’s heavy, smothering. Sad. So sad. Sometimes for no reason. It’s helpless. No one can help. Nothing can be done. Nothing will ever change. I will never feel any differently.
This went on for a couple of months. Daily, I went to the Lord. Just take me home. I’m no use here anymore. I’m just making others upset too. Daily, He gave me strength, no, a command - “Keep going.”
I clung to anything He sent me. My husband and best friend who said, “No one is leaving. We are a family and we are staying with you on this.” II Corinthians1.3 that says that He is the God of all comfort and that He wants to comfort me and that I am to take that comfort and comfort others. He knew this would be hard for me and yet He let me go through it. He is just waiting to comfort me from His storehouse of comfort.
“But this is too hard! I QUIT!!!!” The feelings are overwhelming. Way too much for me to deal with. I was tired of trying so hard not to feel so bad. I was running to the cross every day screaming, “Why am I running here? I’ve already been saved!” I didn’t know where else to go. The pain was unbearable. My emotions were on overload. It was like a stereo turned up past the feedback level for days, months. No escape.
God chastened me and said I can’t quit. The job (life) I have was given me by Him and only He can say, “Well done, you’re done!” My employee manual lays out specifically my job description in II Corinthians 5 - Christ gave me the ministry of reconciliation. OK, I can do that on a mission trip, but what about everyday life?! Who am I ministering to then? And of course, the answer came - my family. But they are already saved! So how do I minister to them? By serving and encouraging. Yes, pick up after them. Yes, even though you just did it this morning. And encourage them to learn what they are to learn. Encourage.
OK, a couple of months now of serving and encouraging have gone by. My actions have changed. My attitudes mostly have. My feelings partly have. And then we saw “United 93”. If you haven’t seen it, please do. The parable was perfect timing for me. And it is true for every Christian.
The enemy has come to hijack your life. He will lie to you and make you think you will live, but you will die - it is inevitable. If you know the truth, like those on United 93 came to know, then the lie has no hold on you. Actually, death has no hold on you anymore either. You come to realize that maybe you are living for such a time as this. You can sit in a back seat crying because of the horrific thing the enemy is doing to you, or you can get out of your chair and fight back and do a heroic thing to those around you (and yourself while you’re at it).
I just happened to have seen Beth Moore’s introduction video to the Daniel study the day before (God’s perfect planning). When Daniel was taken to Babylon, he chose not to let Babylon infect him. By standing up for His God, he actually infected Babylon. And so, Beth had me ask the question, “As I live in this world, will it indoctrinate me or will I indoctrincate it?”
God echoed that question after the movie, “Will you stay curled up, crying because of the way the world has affected you or will you stand up and affect the world? ‘Cuz either way, you’re going to die - when I say so!”
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